A Series of Into the Woods Oneshots
by FrauThenardier
Summary: Title to come! Will eventually include song parodies, drabbles, OCs, and other various short stories based around both ITW and Mirror and Rose.
1. I'm in the Woods!

Disclaimer: I don't own Into the Woods, or I'm on a Boat. Unfortunately.

I'M IN THE WOODS! (Parody of "I'M ON A BOAT!")

(_We see The Narrator sitting in a Library, reading. He picks up a book entitled Into the Woods. Opening it, he finds the pages to be blank, except for the first one. It reads the following:_)

Narrator: (_Reading_) A courageous band ventures into the woods to achieve their deepest, most desperate wishes. (_Closing the book_) That sounds like an interesting story! Now what sort of characters should I send on this quest?

(_He puts down the book, pauses, and thinks, scratching his head._)

Narrator: A fair maiden who wishes more than anything to go to the King's festival… A sad young lad who wants his cow to give him some milk… A childless Baker… And his Wife, who are desperate to have a family of their own… A Witch who is willing to lift the curse keeping them childless, for a price… A Little Girl on her way to Granny's who strays from the path… A lustful Prince… A delirious, deleterious, and definitely mysterious Man… aaaand…

(_He thinks a bit more and then it comes to him._)

Narrator: A girl in a tower!

(_Music starts as we cut to the Woods. We see a tall tower standing in a clearing. Rapunzel appears in the window of the tower._)

Rapunzel: Shawty.

(_The Narrator walks down the path, stopping next to Rapunzel's tower where he tells the story._)

Narrator: Awww, Shit! Rapunzel: (Aaahs to the "I'm on a Boat" background.)

Narrator: Get your hair ready, it's about to go down!

(_Rapunzel lets down her hair._)

Narrator: Everybody in the place hit the f**king path! Rapunzel: Shawty.

(_The Witch stalks out menacingly from behind Rapunzel's tower and zaps the narrator in the crotch._)

Witch: But don't lose the motherf**king beans! Rapunzel: (Aaahs to I'm on a Boat" background)

(_The Narrator gets up, pained, and beckons into the distance._)

Narrator: We running this. Let's go!

(_Cut to a path in the woods, which our main protagonists enter down on their personal missions._)

Baker: I'm in the woods! Rapunzel: I'm in the woods.

Cinderella: I'm in the woods! Rapunzel: I'm in the woods.

Little Red: Everybody look at me as I skip into the woods!

Rapunzel: Skip into the woods.

Jack: I'm in the woods! Rapunzel: I'm in the woods.

Baker's Wife: I'm in the woods!

All: Take a good, hard look at the motherf**king woods! Rapunzel: Aaah.

(_Cut to Cinderella kneeling beneath her Mother's tree, singing to her spirit._)

Cinderella: I'm in the woods, Mother Spirit, take a look at me!

Cinderella: Send me silver and gold. Got a wish, you see. Rapunzel: Aaah-aaah-aaah.

Cinderella: Working so hard for them, now I get the goods!

You can't stop me, you stepsisters, cause I'm in the woods!

(_A ball gown falls from the tree, which Cinderella catches and runs off with. Meanwhile, the Baker wanders through the woods, Little Red's cape around his neck and leading Milky-White._)

Baker: I'm gonna break this trick! Rapunzel: Trick.

Baker: I'm in the woods, Witch. Rapunzel: Witch.

Baker: I made my wife stay at home, cause I'm not rich! Rapunzel: Rich.

Baker: I got my white cow.

And my cape so bloody.

I'm breaking curses, she's baking bread-

(_The Baker's Wife suddenly comes out from behind a tree._)

Baker's Wife: That's what YOU think, Buddy!

(_A beanstalk rises, being climbed by Jack._)

Jack: I'm climbing up a beanstalk! Jumping leaves and s**t!

Been here for hours.

Jack: Why haven't I reached the top yet? Rapunzel: Aaah-aaah-aaah.

But I ain't dreaming! This as real as it gets! Rapunzel: Aaah-aaah.

Jack: I'm in the woods, New Cow-Owners, don't you ever forget!

(_Cut to Little Red Riding Hood skipping down the path, wearing a cape as red as blood and carrying a basket, from which she is eating various baked goods._)

Little Red: I'm in the woods, and-

It's full of wolves, and-

I got a bloody old cape made by Dear Old Gran!

Carrying Granny's lunch with me in a basket!

If a wolf crosses me, he'll be in a casket!

(_Grinning maniacally, she pulls a knife and stalks off through the woods. We then cut to the entire cast, except for the Mysterious Man in a clearing at The Last Midnight. A loud crashing noise is heard: the Giant's footsteps! Everyone stumbles around, bumping into each other and they fall to the ground as the Mysterious Man rushes in._)

Mysterious Man: GET THE F**K UP, THESE WOODS ARE REAL!

(_Cut to Cinderella walking off with the Prince through the woods to become his bride._)

Cinderella: F**k them, I got a prince, motherf**ker! Rapunzel: Motherf**ker.

(_Jack continues to climb his beanstalk to the land of the giants._)

Jack: F**k trees, I climb beanstalks, motherf**ker! Rapunzel: Motherf**ker.

(_Cut to the Baker and his wife in the woods, as in It Takes Two, the Baker with the cow and cape and his Wife wearing Rapunzel's hair like a scarf. The Baker is gesturing at his wife._)

Baker: I'm in the woods with my wife, motherf**ker! Rapunzel: Aaaah.

(_The Witch enters, zapping them both in the crotch._)

Witch: His father ruined my life, motherf**ker!

(_Cut to Little Red, modeling her new cape made from the skins of the dead wolf._)

Little Red: Grandma, if you could see me now! Rapunzel: See me now.

Little Red: Killing these wolves-

(_Cut to Jack milking his cow._)

Jack: As I milk my cow! Rapunzel: Milks his cow.

(_The Baker holds his Wife in the darkening Woods as the two stare off into the distance, getting ready to take their journey._)

Baker/Baker's Wife: Gonna break this curse and get a child somehow.

Rapunzel: Child somehow.

(_Cut back to the Narrator, who is now sitting in his library reading the finished result of Into the Woods._)

Narrator: Like Stephen Sondhiem-

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

(_Cut back into the woods, where the entire cast is basically wandering around the woods, each in their own little world, focused on their own little mission. They are all relatively close to each other, but don't notice each other. Obviously, Rapunzel is in her tower._)

All: Yeah.

Never thought I'd be in the woods.

It's a big, dark fairytale road.

(_Cut to the Narrator standing at the edge of the woods next to Cinderella's mother's tree as the entire cast-with the exception of Witch and Rapunzel- genuflect, begging him to look at them._)

All (except Narrator, Witch, and Rapunzel): Narrator, look at me!

(_Cut to the Witch next to Rapunzel's tower, in a trance due to her "beautiful music."_)

Rapunzel: Aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah. Witch: ONE MIDNIGHT GONE!

(_The Witch transforms. Cut back to the full cast in the woods, everyone wandering around oblivious to each other._)

All: Never thought I'd see the day.

When the woods be coming my way.

Believe me when I say-

(_All of a sudden, Cinderella's Prince runs into the middle of the crowd, interrupting the song._)

Cinderella's Prince: I F**KED THE BAKER'S WIFE!

(_Awkward silence. Everyone stares awkwardly at the Prince, who begins to slowly back away, but not before Cinderella walks up to him and slaps him. Meanwhile, the Baker glares at his Wife, who just blushes and looks away from him. _)

Rapunzel: …………. (_shrugs_) Shawty!

(_Music starts up again. General dancing from the cast, as in Ever After or the Finale. At one point, the Steward whacks Jack's Mother in the head with his staff._)

Baker: I'm in the woods! Rapunzel: (Aaahs to "I'm on a Boat" background.)

Cinderella: I'm in the woods!

Little Red: Everybody look at me as I skip into the woods!

Jack: I'm in the woods!

Baker's Wife: I'm in the woods!

All: Take a good, hard look at the motherf**king woods!

Rapunzel: Shawty.

Shawty.

(_As in Into the Woods_) Aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah!

(_END POSE!_)

_Reviews are welcome! Flames will be used to make magic baked beans (See Into the Woods II: The Mirror and Rose.)_


	2. Rapunzel Drabbles

_Rapunzel Drabbles_

_Author's Note: Part of this series of oneshots is going to be a series of song drabbles for each character in Into the Woods, as well as some of the major characters in Mirror and Rose. Since she is the character I have actually played, I decided to do Rapunzel first. A few notes beforehand: First, in case all of you lovely readers get confused, Victor is my name for Rapunzel's Prince, Giovanna is my name for the Witch, Chandler and Elise are the twins (see Mirror and Rose), and Chip is my name for the Baker. Second, I kind of have a feeling that Rapunzel would have eventually found out about her Prince's womanizing ways. Finally, I KNOW the Witch clearly says to the Baker "your father cried, your mother died" as a result of her taking Rapunzel. But seriously, having your baby taken away realistically isn't enough to kill you. But it CAN drive you off the deep end, and that is EXACTLY what I think happened to Chip's mom. Having her die in a baking accident, as well, could also provide Chip with a possible theory to explain his father's disappearance- before Chip was old enough to remember, his father met the same fate. That's why Chip has no siblings, that's why Chip's mother is a little nuts, and that's why Chip has no father._

_Around the World_ (Grey Gardens Original Cast Recording)

Artist: Christine Ebersole

In the far right hand corner of Rapunzel's tower was a wall, cluttered all over with various memorabilia from her life before the tower. Flowers she had picked as a child, drying them to preserve for the future. Beautiful stones she had found in Mother's garden. Feathers from the birds that flew outside her window. Hair ribbons and drawings she had done. This wall was Rapunzel's favorite area in the tower. Mother never understood, and had often shook her head at her daughter's strange habits of decorating. But Rapunzel didn't care. To her, the wall contained a special message: someday, somehow, she was going to get out and see the world.

_There You'll Be_

Artist: Faith Hill

A woman walked alone in the barren desert, singing a repetitive, singular melody to the two bundles cradled in her arms: twins, Chandler and Elise. She wandered the land she was now forced to call home, an incomplete woman. She had lost the twins' father, Prince Victor. Her mother had probably killed him for impregnating her daughter. The woman wished with all her heart that she could see him one more time that she could thank him for giving her strength to journey on, for showing her how it felt to feel the sky within her reach, for Chandler and Elise, the children he would never know. Her mother, wherever she was, however could never keep Victor out of the woman's dreams. Everywhere Rapunzel was, there Victor would be.

_Her Voice_ (Little Mermaid Original Cast Recording)

Artist: Sean Palmer

For almost a year now, Prince Victor had been wandering the world without his sight, looking for his beautiful Rapunzel. Blinded, he only had one asset to go by: her beautiful voice. He knew that somewhere she was singing and her song was mean for him, in a voice like an angel's, waiting for his return. And find her, he would. He would never stop searching until he found that voice, even if it took the rest of his life. One day he would hear Rapunzel's voice again, find his lost love, and bring her home. He would have her to wife, and the voice that haunted his dreams would be his. Twenty years later, Victor's son, Prince Chandler would undertake a similar search for the voice of his rescuer, a beautiful mermaid named Brina.

_Mama who Bore Me _(Spring Awakening Original Cast Recording)

Artist: Lea Michele

Rapunzel's innocence had been well-preserved, there was no denying that. She had been kept in a tower since she was twelve, she had received no education, her mother fearing that her real parents would try to take her away, and she had been kept from the details about life. She didn't even know how she had been born- Mother had mentioned something about a botched potion, but Rapunzel hadn't really listened, feeling that she was lying. It wasn't until she met the Prince that she began to find out.

_Let the Monster Rise _

Artist: Anthony Stewart Head, Alexa Vega

Giovanna stared at her pregnant daughter, fuming. Hadn't she told Rapunzel not to go out? Hadn't she said the world was cruel? She had, Rapunzel agreed to this herself. Then how had this happened? Where had she gone wrong? Why hadn't Rapunzel mentioned a visitor? And now the ungrateful child accused _her_ of lying. Saying that she was no longer a child, that she didn't need her, that she hated her mother, who had only tried to protect her. Prince Victor had stolen Giovanna's daughter with his seduction. The night Rapunzel announced her pregnancy, the mother in Giovanna died. And the monster rose.

_Angels_

Artist: Within Temptation

Looking back on her life, Rapunzel had never felt so betrayed. And by the two people she had loved more than anyone in world, to boot. She had thought that her mother was her savior, her protector in her time of need. That she had been put in the tower for protection. It was only when she was thrown out of the tower that she found out the truth: that she had been a possession, a beautiful object owned by an ugly hag. She had thought that her Prince had had feelings for her, that he loved her. That too was a lie; soon after their marriage, she found out that with him as well, she was only a trophy. Every night he abandoned her for other women. Loneliness and betrayal caused Rapunzel to plummet deeper and deeper into insanity. Eventually she couldn't take her broken heart any longer. Something had to give. The giantess invasion provided the perfect opportunity.

_Boom-crunch._

_Nothing Blues_

Artist: Ellen Greene

He never outright told her. Victor was always careful to hide his romantic trysts from his wife, who was slowly beginning to spiral into depression. He tried his hardest to make her think that his whole life was her, Chandler, and Elise. But Rapunzel knew. She knew she wasn't the object of his love anymore. She knew that Victor didn't love her anymore, possibly never had. He rarely paid either her or the children much attention anymore. And just the other day, she'd heard him raving to a courtier about some sleeping maiden with snow white skin in a glass coffin somewhere in the next kingdom. She'd asked him what was going on, and he'd told her that it was just her, that she'd been imagining things. Rapunzel was the only woman he felt anything for. But Rapunzel saw right through him. And no matter what he said, she knew he felt nothing at all.

_Whatsername_

Artist: Green Day

When the Witch told Chip how she had taken away his baby sister in return for the rampion stolen from her, the Baker suddenly remembered it all. His mother had cried, his father had begged, but the Witch had laughed at them and disappeared with the baby girl, sending the whole house spiraling into chaos. As if the spell hadn't been enough, Chip's mother refused to leave her bed for days, weeping and wailing about the stolen baby. A month after the incident, his father had left to try to get the baby back. Never was he seen again. As for Chip's mother, she lost her marbles completely. Chip had grown up caring for her instead of the other way around, until that awful day when she accidently killed herself in a baking error gone wrong. He'd forgotten the baby, but not the time. Chip remembered his sister's face, but she never got a name. Now he wondered how she had fared all these years.

_Reviews are welcome! Flames will, of course, be used for magic baked beans._


End file.
